‘We Are Married, But We Date Other People’: Inside the New Rules of Marriage in Urban India
Most evenings end with a phone call. Vidhi (name changed), a 35-year-old IT professional in Mumbai, catches up with her husband, Ankit (name changed), who is based in Bengaluru. They talk about work, family, and plans for the weekend. Now and then, the conversation turns to something most married couples would never discuss: the people they are dating.
Married for eight years, their relationship looks very different from what most people would consider conventional. They are in an open marriage, an arrangement in which both partners have agreed that they can date other people while remaining committed to each other. “It wasn’t a decision we made overnight,” says Vidhi. “We spoke about it for months. The rule was simple: no lies. If either of us wanted to meet someone, the other would know.”
For Ankit, honesty was non-negotiable. “We realised secrecy destroys relationships faster than attraction to someone else,” he says. “We wanted transparency instead of pretending desires don’t exist.” Their families know nothing about the arrangement. Only a handful of close friends are aware. At work, nobody suspects anything unusual. “It isn’t because we are ashamed,” Vidhi says. “It’s because people don’t understand it.”
Love Is Getting an Upgrade
Until a few years ago, the phrase barely figured in conversations about Indian relationships, where marriage implied absolute emotional and sexual exclusivity. Today, while monogamy remains the overwhelming norm, relationship counsellors say they are increasingly hearing questions about consensual non-monogamy, especially from younger urban couples in India’s metropolitan cities.
Psychiatrist Dr Sanjay Chugh observes this evolving dynamic directly through his practice: “Over the last decade or decade and a half, I have seen a gradual shift in how some people view relationships. There was a time when monogamy was considered the only acceptable model. Today, more people believe that while monogamy may be a desirable option, it is not the only one. Once both partners in a marriage subscribe to that view, the next logical step for some is to experiment with relationships outside the marriage while remaining committed to it.”
Dr Chugh says modern marriages often carry multiple expectations. Partners are expected to meet each other’s emotional, financial, soc
ial, sexual and parenting needs. “When one person cannot meet all those needs, some couples may seek emotional or sexual fulfilment outside the marriage without wanting to end the relationship.”
| Rules Before Romance |
In expert terminology, these setups fall under consensual non-monogamy (CNM). Unlike infidelity, which relies on deception, CNM is built on explicit consent, disclosure and negotiation. Boundaries vary widely: some couples allow only casual dating, while others permit emotional attachments.
Dr Chugh explains the core benefits and prerequisites of this structure: “The biggest advantage of an open relationship is that it can allow emotional or sexual needs to be met without necessarily ending the relationship, but this works only if the underlying relationship is already strong, secure and built on trust. If the marriage itself is fragile, opening it is unlikely to solve the problems. In fact, jealousy and insecurity can cause it to fall apart.”
He adds that transparency often spills over into other areas of the relationship: “I have observed that couples in successful open relationships often communicate more openly because transparency is an essential part of such arrangements. When partners are honest about difficult subjects, that openness can extend to other areas of the relationship. In theory, reducing the pressure on one partner to meet every emotional or sexual need can strengthen the core relationship. But this requires a high degree of emotional and mental maturity. Jealousy and insecurity are almost inevitable. Couples also need the time and emotional energy to manage additional relationships. Open marriages are certainly not for everyone.”
Says Sybil Shiddell, Country Manager, India, Gleeden, the discreet dating app created by women for women: “Even though monogamy remains the most common relationship model in India, we are seeing a rising curiosity and openness towards alternative relationship models, particularly among educated urban couples.”
According to a recent Ipsos study conducted for Gleeden, 43 per cent of respondents believe human beings are not naturally wired for monogamy, while 59 per cent believe open relationships are likely to become more common as society and relationships evolve.
“At Gleeden
, we also find that our members are far more willing to talk openly about their expectations from relationships than they were a few years ago. The conversation has shifted beyond labels
such as ‘open marriage’ towards personal freedom, emotional needs and consensual relationships. Cities such as Bengaluru, Delhi,
Mumbai and Pune are leading these conversations,” adds Sybil.
| It’s Not Just About Sex |
For many couples, the motivation goes well beyond sexual exploration. Emotional needs, changing expectations from marriage and the pressures of modern life often shape these conversations. According to Gleeden’s Ipsos study, while a large majority of respondents described themselves as happy in their relationships, many also reported gaps in emotional intimacy, communication, excitement and physical intimacy.
Poor work-life balance, limited quality time, digital distractions and changing personal aspirations are also influencing how people think about long-term relationships. Increasingly, some individuals are looking less to replace their partner than to address emotional needs they feel remain unmet.
Shiddell believes open marriages continue to be a minority choice, but says the conversation around commitment is changing, particularly among younger urban adults.
According to the Gleeden-Ipsos study, Millennials and Gen Z are placing greater emphasis on trust, emotional connection, personal freedom and mutual consent. She believes more couples are becoming willing to discuss relationship boundaries openly and define commitment through shared expectations rather than through a single traditional template.
The Reality Check
For Vidhi and Ankit, physical distance triggered the initial conversation. Her career kept her in Mumbai, while his required a long-term assignment in Bengaluru. Months spent apart forced them to address loneliness directly.
They created strict guidelines: total honesty, mandatory protection, a ban on dating anyone connected to family or work, and the right for either partner to end the arrangement at any point. Marriage always came first. “It sounds unusual,” Vidhi says, “but for us, the rules actually strengthened communication.”
Yet managing jealousy remains a hurdle. Agreeing to a concept intellectually is vastly different from processing it emotionally.
Unequal dating success, unexpected feelings and shifting boundaries mean the arrangement demands constant renegotiation.
For many couples, the biggest challenge is not the relationship itself but how others might react to it. In India, marriage is closely tied to family and social expectations. Most people still see it as an exclusive partnership. As a result, couples in open marriages rarely speak about their arrangements openly. Many keep them confined to a small circle, fearing judgment from relatives, friends or colleagues. Living with that secrecy can become an emotional burden in itself.
Legally, Indian law offers no formal framework for consensual non-monogamy. While the Supreme Court decriminalised adultery in 2018, family disputes involving divorce, cruelty or child custody still depend on the facts of each case. Mutual consent within an open marriage does not guarantee legal immunity in matrimonial courts if a dispute arises later.
Family lawyer Dr Abhinav Saxena, Advocate and Partner at Saxenas and Kumar Law Chambers LLP, says many people mistakenly assume that the Supreme Court’s 2018 judgment decriminalising adultery also gave legal recognition to open marriages. It did not. While adultery is no longer a criminal offence, Indian family law continues to recognise monogamous marriage, and open marriages have no statutory recognition.
Dr Saxena explains: “The Supreme Court’s judgment in Joseph Shine v. Union of India (2018) decriminalised adultery, but it did not grant legal recognition to open marriages. Such arrangements remain private understandings without statutory recognition under Indian family law. If a marriage later breaks down, courts will examine the facts of each case, including whether both spouses genuinely consented to the arrangement. Similarly, maintenance, alimony and child custody are not decided simply because a couple had an open marriage. Courts continue to focus on factors such as financial circumstances, evidence placed before them and, above all, the welfare and best interests of the child.”
Sociologists suggest this trend reflects a broader cultural shift. Modern couples are routinely renegotiating traditional marital roles, from financial contributions and domestic work to deciding whether to have children. Alternative relationship structures are simply another dimension of this broader conversation about personal autonomy.
For Vidhi and Ankit, the arrangement is about deep-seated trust rather than casual dating. “When people hear ‘open marriage’, they immediately think the relationship must be weak,” Ankit says. “For us, it forced us to become brutally honest.”
When asked if they would recommend an open marriage to others, both answer immediately with a “No,” followed by a laugh. “We recommend honest conversations,” Vidhi clarifies. “Whether that leads
to monogamy or something else depends entirely on the couple.”
The broader shift is not that consensual non-monogamy is taking over urban India, but that couples are finally asking questions that previous generations kept hidden. Marriage is increasingly viewed not just as a rigid institution to inherit, but as a relationship to be defined on its own terms.
